August 2nd, 2006 by jodgeledesma
LOVE AND HAPPINESS…WHAT’S IT TO YOU?
For me, its being able to be happy within myself. It’s being satisfied in life with whom I have become over these past years in my life. I have come to not only know about life’s struggles but i have embrace it, learn from it and understand it… to become who I am now.
I have been put through so many tests and challenges in life these past years… I had to choose direction, friendships, learned to love myself first before I am able to love someone else, etc. I had to come to a truce with myself and believe that the changes I made/make, was/is for my best interest and no one else’s.
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August 2nd, 2006 by jodgeledesma
The past is history….
"The past is history, The future is a mystery, Today is gift, That is why we call it the present".
Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out your own past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and understanding, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something. The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into a pattern that will be your life. Let it be a life that has dignity and meaning for you. If it does, then the particular balance of success or failure is less account. - Sent to me by HH (08/01/2006)…i just had to put this up… it goes along with my journal… and it speaks the truth…thanks HH…xoxoxo
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August 2nd, 2006 by jodgeledesma
"THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE ON WHICH YOU DECIDE YOUR LIFE IS YOUR OWN. NO APOLOGIES OR EXCUSES . NO ONE TO LEAN ON, OR BLAME. THE GIFT OF LIFE IS YOURS. ITS AN AMAZING MISSION AND YOU ALONE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE QUALITY OF IT!" …A REALLY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE SAID THIS TO ME LATELY.
WE HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION ABOUT APPRECIATION….GENERALLY SPEAKING PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, FINANCIALLY, ETC. WE TALKED ABOUT THAT ONE PERSON YOU WOULD BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR HIM/HER… TO HELP MAKE THINGS BETTER THAT YOU GIVE THEM YOUR ALL HOPING FOR THE BEST OUTCOME… ONCE REACHED, YOUR THANKED AND WITH PEACE, THEY LIVE AGAIN WITH COMFORT WITHOUT STRESS.
BUT…….. WHEN YOUR TIME TO NEED OF HELP, OOPS! YOU GET THE "OLE! CAN’T OR SORRY". ALL THAT TRUST, RESPECT AND LOYALTY YOU HAD TO THAT ONE PERSON IS GONE, RIGHT? LATER DOWN THE ROAD YOU WISH HIM/HER REALIZE "SHIT I F….ED UP"! AND NOW FIND THEMSELVES SAYING….."I SHOULD A….COULD A…..WOULD A……THEN REALIZING AGAIN I LOST A GOOD PERSON IN MY LIFE"… THAT IS, IF YOU MANAGED TO WALK AWAY.
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS ONE TOO MANY TIMES TOO, WHERE I BECAME WISER IN WHO I GIVE MY LOYAL LENDING HAND TO AND MY HEART TO. BUT ISN’T IT THAT THERE IS ALWAYS THAT ONE PERSON IN ANYONE’S PATHETIC LIFE THAT YOU LET HURT YOU OVER AND OVER AND OVER?… THAT IT JUST BECOMES A ROUTINE? THAT YOU FOUND YOURSELF ASKING, "HOW MANY TIMES DOES HE/SHE GOING TO HURT ME BEFORE I TRULY WALK AWAY?".
I REMEMBER AS A YOUNG KID WATCHING "THE WALL" BY PINK FLOYD WHICH IS ALL ABOUT (OBVIOUSLY) BUILDING THIS BIG WALL TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM THE WORLD AND ALL THE HURTS/DISAPPOINTMENTS YOU EXPERIENCE WITH PEOPLE. I REMEMBER SAYING TO MYSELF, "I’LL NEVER BE THAT WAY…I’LL ALWAYS BE OPEN, I’LL LET MYSELF GET HURT ALL THE TIME…IT TAKES MORE COURAGE TO BE THAT WAY AND IT’LL MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON, I CAN HANG." BUT REALLY, I CAUGHT MYSELF LATELY BEING WEIRD AND DISTANT WITH PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE THEY DONE ME WRONG, BUT BECAUSE I COULD FEEL MYSELF BEGINNING TO CARE ABOUT THEM ENOUGH TO GIVE THEM THE POWER TO HURT ME (OR EVEN WORSE, THAT I MIGHT HAVE THE POWER TO HURT THEM).
I CAUGHT MYSELF BUILDING A WALL: BEING SHALLOW WITH PEOPLE AND PURPOSELY WANTING IT TO BE THAT WAY… KEEPING THAT DISTANCE. THAT’S THE WORST THING ONE WOULD DO AND CAN DO, THOUGH…I MEAN, YOU CAN’T BE SOMEONE’S FOOL OVER AND OVER AGAIN. BUT I THINK SOMETIMES, WE GET A LIL KINDNESS OUT OF SOMEONE AND EXPECT THE WORLD FROM THEM - AND THAT’S WHAT HURTS US. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. OH, LIFE! ONE CAN’T HAVE IT ALL! WE MAKE A LIVING BY WHAT WE GET, BUT WE MAKE A LIFE BY WHAT WE GIVE, IS ALL I CAN SAY IN THE END.
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September 22nd, 2005 by jodgeledesma
She goes through this life and sometimes she forgets her place. When she remembers and realizes what she’s done, the humiliation is so real and true she can scarcely breathe. Then it happened again. The realization came tonight. She is not the loveable type. She is the fuck and forget about type. She isn’t charming enough nor beautiful nor witty enough to truly hold someone’s attention. But she forgot for just a moment and tried once again to be a real human being. She forgot she was dead on the inside and how could that not show? She knows that she tried so hard before to be what people wanted her to be. She still does it and knows in her heart how desperate she must appear but she keeps on thinking that maybe she’s changed or that all this talk of true love-in any form, is real. But then that realization comes again. Immediately, she regrets letting herself out of her cage. She wishes she could lock herself up and turn the key over to someone else. She knows though that when she does that, she will be lost to the depths of madness and she won’t want to come back. That is her secret wish…that the blackness could just become her home…that she could enclose herself in her mind and never come out. She believes that when she dies, it will be at her own hands…her own terms. She dreams secret dreams of that day too. She’s not ready to give up on life just yet, but when she is, she takes comfort in how it will end. But as for tonight, well… she’s just starting to remember all those moments in her past of longing and needing and wishing- followed by the moments of total horror and degradation. She can’t blame other people for her not being what they want her to be. She tried. She is an excellent chameleon. What do you need her to be? She can do it but it is never quite enough and tonight, just now, she knows it will truly never be enough. The loneliness of that epiphamy is totally overwhelming, but what can she do? If she doesn’t accept reality, she’ll keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And everytime she makes this error of the heart it pushes her one day closer to the moment of the end. There must be something to live for….she’s sure of it. Other people have so much to live for and she is positive she is not unique, so there must be something she’s missing. Some important piece of the puzzle that fell on the floor of her heart that got swept away. Or maybe she isn’t missing a piece, maybe it’s just that she isn’t meant to know what life is really all about. She walks around pretending, being an intruder and wonders… why people walk away from her. She has a brain and never uses it to really see herself as others might perceive her. That’s not really true. Physically, she knows but she forgets how she must seem mentally and emotionally. And then comes that realization again. When is she just going to remember? When is she ever going to just get it? Her fear of truly understanding is what keeps her alive. So maybe the short term memory loss is a good thing…for now.
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September 22nd, 2005 by jodgeledesma
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